When your passion becomes your nemesis

Its like a sad love story.

That feeling when you first discover something you think is great. And you can’t stop thinking about it, or reading about it or just doing it. You almost lose sleep over it, because it is so fun and giving and new. Its all you can think of!

That is a really nice feeling. And it just gets better and better with time as you progress with your passion. The sky is the limit and nothing is going to stop you now!

For some, that feeling lasts forever or until a person is unable to perform because of age or physical health. For others, like me, you discover a dark side you never thought existed.

I was part of a team and as they all say «There is no «I» in team!». That has always been my philosophy. Unfortunately that is not what I learned from all those years. Seems like a team got lots of «I»s and that a hard little core always get their will through. And, fair enough, I guess that it how it works here and there in everyday life.

Being a part of a team gave me a lot, support, friends, network, fun… But as time went by and I started to feel that things weren’t right and that I no longer wished to be a part of the team I was left out in the dark, more or less. «If you’re not with us you’re against us». Well, yes and no. Actually I AM against a lot of the things some stands for and do, but I have never said that out loud. I have never been a problem in any way. Still I’m treated like a rabies infected dog and no one has ever contacted me asking why I left, or just wondering if I’m ok. Because I haven’t been, for several reasons, but not a soul seems to care. And that is a very alarming sign. A team that doesn’t look out for their members (except the star players)? I can hear the implosion all the way from here. There is no future in that.

You don’t have to be a part of a team to experience this, there’s a lot of situations this can transfer to. I just think its sad when people can’t give a person a chance as a friend because that person have «failed» in their eyes. If they don’t benefit from your friendship they don’t give a rats ass about you. Truth is, I don’t give a rats ass about that kind of people either. If you can’t even smile and say «hello» if we meet on the street then I feel sorry for you. I will remove you from my life because I don’t lose sleep over sheep and I would rather have you gone than being a constant reminder of what used to be. I want real people and real friends, if you can’t give me that I’m NOT interested.

I just think its kinda heartbreaking that the love I had for something was totally crushed by dominating powers who only wanted whats best for them and not the team. That you had to be a certain way to be accepted. I have never ever in my life been a part of any team, so this whole experience was totally new on so many levels. And I liked being a part of a team, always having someone out there watching my back and always have someone’s back to watch. Being individuals out there but at the same time being one.

I can’t stand being used, stepped on or treated unfair. I won’t have it. So I just had to let go even if I didn’t want to quit the activity. My motivation was at an all-time low and it was really damaging my mental health. It became hard, heavy and tiresome to engage in anything regarding the team so I saw no point in doing it anymore. The first time after I left was tough and I was sad. I missed it so much but I knew I could never go back. It was hard to accept. I was heartbroken that it had turned into something bad, really bad, for me. I knew that no one would notice me leaving but to get that confirmation in form of total silence was not fun. After 4 years? Like, who do you think you are? Big stars that ain’t got no time for that? And what did I ever do to deserve a cold shoulder? I don’t know and I don’t care to know. I’m done. This was like a bad breakup.

Moving on in life, I hope that this never happens again. That I get to be a part of something that turns out to only want me to do dirty work, and that gives no fucks when I leave. I’m sure it won’t happen again, I know all the warning signs now 😉

To all out there who has been through the same thing; it will get better. You will meet people that are worth your time! People who take AND give. There is still lots of love out there and I already found a new passion I can fully focus on now. That has given me friendships and a network and that accepts me for who I am. What is that, you ask?

The pinup community! ❤




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