So, like I mentioned in my last post I was listening to a podcast by Diablo Rose at Diablo + Le Keux and just got a overwhelming reminder of that time my sister, her girlfriend and I was attacked for no reason.
We had been out drinking some beer and was leaving the place as it closed. 5 unknown men passed us, and somehow it ended with them attacking us and really kicking our asses. It was so chaotic, I only remember flashes of the situation. I remember standing on a staircase just talking to one of them, and turning around to see complete mayhem on the street. I was like «what is happening?» and next I remember being dragged by my hair on the ground, and watching as my sister who was lying down getting kicked all over. I remember not understanding what was going on at all, I was just all in their power. I tried to fight back but that was kinda hard. That feeling of not having the power to do anything at all, I tried and I tried but it didn’t help at all. I never felt so small before.
My sister had to get her brow taped, and I remember my white winter coat being all red from her blood. Luckily none of us were badly hurt. Not on the outside, at least..
We were talking about this later, and wondered if it all happened because one of us talked back to them. Like this somehow was our fault. What the Hell. 5 grown ass men brutally attacking 3 women? It was NEVER our fault! They can thank God for not leaving of us with permanent damages, or even dead. I’m really mad at them for doing this, and thinking about it now infuriates me. They got away with it too, as there were not one soul around to see it happen and we were way to upset to give a decent description of them. The last thing on my mind was trying to memorise their looks. As soon as the guys disappeared, people showed up. We got help from volunteers who walks around town at the weekends to prevent violence, rape or just help insanely drunk people get home. It was like angels had appeared when they came. I just remember being all confused about everything.
I was never upset after it happened, like, I didn’t cry or got scared. I really didn’t have a reaction to it. I just bottled it up and acted brave. I probably should just have let myself feel. I’ve always had a hard time trusting other people, and I guess this didn’t do much to help that. I’ve always been alert while outside alone after dark, and I know I always get extra aware if more than one guy is around. It’s a good thing to be cautious but my adrenaline rockets through the roof, you know. Being scared shitless probably won’t help if something actually do happen. I’ve felt unsafe when home alone, being sure that someone has kept the house under surveillance and knows I’m alone. Once I closed all the curtains because I couldn’t take that people could look inside. Every little noise kept me awake all night.
And this is something I also never talked about in therapy. It was hidden so deep back in there, I had forgotten all about it. Until Diablo Rose told her story of how she once was attacked blindly. Then it just dropped like a bomb. «OMG! This happened to me too!» I could relate to everything she was saying, and I realised I never let this process. I refused to let it go it’s natural course and dug a deep hole where I stored it. This happened about 15 years ago. FIFTEEN YEARS.
Right now it feels like yesterday. The flashbacks are so vivid. And I’m mad. Mad at all bastards who blindly attack others like that. Mad because Diablo Rose had to go through all the trouble coming from an attack like that, mad because my sister was attacked, mad because her girlfriend was attacked. Defenseless women. We didn’t have a chance. I really wish I could get a hold of those bastards, I wonder if they are proud of what they did. Do they even remember it? Do they understand how they easily could have ruined lives? Both their own and ours. I just want to punch a whole in the wall! And yell! THIS IS NOT OK! I’M NOT FINE! I’m so angry I’m about to cry. Something I should have done years ago.
I wish I knew I didn’t have to be all brave and tough. I wish I’d just let myself be human. That I could have been less hard on myself.
Never hold back on your emotions. Good or bad. Please let them out, you are allowed to feel. You are allowed to stand up for yourself. It’s ok to say no. You are human, it’s ok to act like one. I will try to practice what I preach, but it’s hard. A lifetime of bottling up is hard to undo.